You know the image of the serene swan gliding across the water but underneath the water they are flat out. To most of those around us, we are flying it. We are getting stuff done at work, going to social occasions, caring for those in our family and doing it all without a bother in the world. But inside we are like a high speed computer on crack with about 50 open tabs at any given moment as we desperately try and make sure we don’t let any of the spinning plates drop. And god help us if one of those plates does drop…..we won’t need anyone else to criticise us because we are our own in-built expert critics — always ready to go with a cutting internal remark about ourselves. Does this ring true for you? I understand overwhelm like it's my best friend. Chemically, I'm sure there's mad stuff happening in our bodies when we are overwhelmed for long period of time -- cortisol is high, our adrenal glands are depleted and we are exhausted. All. The. Time.
I'm no expert on that particular aspect (check out people like @healthwithholland on instagram if you feel like learning more about this aspect of overwhelm).
What does Overwhelm feel like?
What I am an expert on, however, is how it feels in the body. It feels like you’re both numb and feeling it all too much at the same time. It feels like a nauseous and tight stomach all day. It feels like a weight sitting on your chest or shoulders. It feels like a pressure around your head. It feels like comfort eating or a lack of appetite. It feels like you’re filled with darkness when all you want to do is feel the light. It feels like all the joy is being sucked out of things you used to enjoy.. It feels like you will never get through the to-do list and so you will never get to relax. It feels like you can’t summon the interest in doing the things you “have” to do. It feels like guilt and shame when you do the things that bring you a bit of joy rather than doing the things you “have” to do. It feels like if one more person asks you for something you will lose your mind. To quote from Shrek…..it feels like you’re a donkey on the edge!!!!
I often get told that I have a calming presence, that nothing ever flaps me and that I’m good at problem solving. Today I can say that this is probably all true about 80% of the time, the other 19% of the time I fake it — I’m a pro at putting that mask on. The final 1% — things bubble over a bit and I fall into fight or flight mode!
But for a lot of years up to more recently, I was faking it 80% of the time. So much so that it wore me down to near nothing. I was completely exhausted and overwhelmed. But my mask was highly effective — I got all the stuff expected of me done.
For some people, there are huge traumas in their lives which overwhelm them but for most people overwhelm comes from a whole lot of little traumas and just the sheer busy-ness of life. Overwhelm creeps up on us so much that we don’t recognise it for what it is. We get so efficient at snapping that mask into place everyday that we become disconnected from our true selves.
What's my overwhelm story.....
Because I didn’t recognise what was happening in my own body, I took a long and circuitous route in my healing. My breaking point was not some big life event…..quite the opposite. It was 2018 and I was working in a busy profession and living in Dublin at the time. I was constantly on the go, both at work and in my personal life. I was trying to be all things to all people.
On this particular day in 2018 though, I was unpacking the weekly shop and removing all the fresh produce from their individual plastic wrapping and when I was finished, I was left with a mound of plastic in the middle of my kitchen. All I could think was “there must be a better way than this”. I hated that plastic and the fact that most of this “fresh” produce was being imported from all across the world after being sprayed with god only knows what. It just felt all wrong and I wanted nothing to do with it. I got irrationally upset by it and I still don't know why this was what made me wake up to my overwhelm. Ultimately I copped on and the next day I went looking for a solution. I found Green Earth Organics — an organic farm in Co Galway who were operating a weekly veg box delivery service in my area of Dublin at the time. They provide organic and plastic free products which eliminated any need for me to think about either of those things. I have shopped with them since (thanks Kenneth and Co!! By the way….there’s no affiliation or sponsorship by GEO…I just respect and love what they do!).
Why am I telling you this?!
Well this was my "aha" moment -- the moment I became aware that I was in complete overwhelm in all areas of my life and I needed to address it. Your moment of awareness will be different. But once I found a solution to this one seemingly small problem, I instantly felt like I was living in a way that was a little bit more authentic to me — I felt some of that constriction (aka the overwhelm) in my body, ease. I felt like I had more space to breathe. It was the first time that I really became physically aware that I was overwhelmed. When I really started looking at the overwhelm I was feeling, I saw that the things causing me most overwhelm were those things that did not feel authentic to me. They felt like obligations or expectations and were not aligned with what was actually important to me. So then I asked myself — where else in my life am I not living authentically? I will share more of my healing journey in the coming blogs.
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So where do YOU start?
Are you feeling overwhelmed and at a complete loss as to where to start?
My advice is first get to know yourself and your overwhelm — don’t put any pressure on yourself to “fix it”, just get to know it first.
Ask yourself these questions to explore overwhelm for yourself:
- Where in my body do I feel tension? What does that tension feel like? The answer you give yourself might include physical feelings like tightness, nauseous, pain, constriction. Ask yourself then what does that tension feel like emotionally? Does it feel like anxiety? Like fear? Like sadness? Just note it and move on — don’t dwell on it for now. Just become aware of what your body is telling you.
- What one thing can I do today to ease the overwhelm?Is there a job I can delegate to someone else? Is there a social/work event that I can miss? Is there an activity you can do that brings you joy and releases the stress that you’re holding? Note — you’re no good to anyone if you burn out so recognise that by putting your needs first and getting a handle on overwhelm, you will actually be able to better serve those around you.
- What’s my go-to reaction when I’m completely overwhelmed?
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- Is it fight — where you get confrontational and snappy at those closest to you about the smallest wee things?
- Is it flight — where you just check out and isolate yourself?
- Is it freeze — where you become stuck and numb and go through the motions?
- Is it fawn — where you become a people pleaser or overly compliant and agreeable to your detriment.
Let me know in the comments below -- what does your overwhelm physically feel like?
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It will all be grand....
For some of you, my personal story above might resonate with you. I really hope it does because I struggled along on my own in dealing with my overwhelm and I don’t want that for you. I hope that by following along with me you will be on the fast track to getting to know yourself and the overwhelm you feel, and more importantly, how to reduce it. I hope that some or all of the tools I will share with you in the coming blogs will feel right for you.
For others among you, you might feel very resistant to what I have to say — that might be just because you have no interest in it. But it might be because you’re afraid of going down this particular rabbit hole. Fear is like the growth-police = minus craic.
Healing isn’t the easy route; it’s not all love, light and happiness. It’s sometimes confronting, it’s oscillating and it’s the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself in your life. I promise you, notwithstanding difficult parts of the healing process, it is also simultaneously, beautiful, liberating and empowering. You will grow so much as a person and when you start living in a way that’s right for you, not only will you say goodbye to overwhelm but you will say hellooooooo to joy and ease.
So this is your invitation to break the status quo of overwhelm and start your healing. You don’t have to feel this way — let me show you a better way.
Until next time,
Grá mór agus slán,
1 comment
You’re awesome and I love you sister…xx